“I mean, if the relationship can't survive the long term, why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?”
"Apologizing doesn't mean you are on the wrong side. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego"
Coming back after more than a year feels good. Something's bothering me and yes, to an extent that I am have sleepless nights. One incident that has bought me ground reality. That is, no matter how strong your relationship has ever been, a small glitch and it will never be the same again. I feel Sarah Jessica Parker while writing this one. Especially because I am not good with keeping relationships. I am great and making them happen but highly unsuccessful at sustaining them. This incident is a perfect example.
To give you a background not many get an opportunity to travel an expensive foreign country for a period of 17 days. In fact not many get a chance to travel abroad at all. But I must say I am one of the lucky few who got an opportunity to travel for leisure to the European land. People fail to realize that for an average upper middle class couple such an opportunity is a rare site. So after a lot of speculations and 2 sleepless nights I decided to grab the opportunity
One would wonder "Why is going abroad, the place which is so hypothetical that in your dreams also you would never imagine to be there can cause sleepless nights". In my case it did. Being very frank I was suppose to choose between my first cousin's son's thread ceremony and my 17 day trip to the European land which came as a sudden opportunity because of my hubby. Me being me on the very first go I chose the family affair over the holiday. The affair was for 4-6 hours on a fine Friday of May 2014. However according to the unplanned trip I could either leave on Wednesday which is exactly two days before the trip or attend and then leave on Saturday. In the later case I had to travel alone without any mode of communication for a flat 16 hours from the time I will be in the flight.
Naturally my in-laws were not ok with the later one. Nor was my mother and my sister who later conveniently backed out of the entire fiasco. After asking for advice from my first cousin I still chose the later option which in all sense meant that I am missing the family affair. I initially thought that she would be extremely happy to know that I have got such an opportunity. But unfortunately nothing went as I thought. I understand she felt terrible about the situation. She felt hurt, betrayed and angry too. This is not what was expected from her younger sister for whom she has always been there. I would not defend myself here, yes I did make a mistake but I don't regret it. I did so for logical reasons and anybody in my place would do the same; probably she too. I know she wanted me to be a part of her happiness, but who told her I was not? I was super happy to see my nephew enjoying a traditional affair, I was super happy to see those pictures of my lovely ladies in amazing sarees. I was super happy to see how gorgeous was my sister looking but all that just doesn't matter. The point here was not or rather never whether the same was an intentional plan or choice. The point was simple she was "HURT" and somewhere I was whole and sole responsible for it. And all I expected from her was a little support and understanding. Guess that was a little too much to ask for.
Its quite easy to say to people that "I have moved on" but the reality is "Have you?" If one decision in life can cause harm for the rest of your life then I am not sure if giving your love, affection, care to anyone in this world is worth it. Because everything is so fragile. As a kid you take time build bonds, to maintain relationships (Esp with your family) but if one single incident can bring you where I am today then I have a question "Are we dealing with Vanilla relationships?" Where till the time you do what is expected from you and all will be fine and taken care. But the moment you decide on the other way you are thrown out like you were never there. Surprisingly this feeling ins't new to me. I grew up with a name "Blacksheep of the family" since I could never do or achieve anything great in my life. Therefore the struggle to prove myself was always on my mind. Its not very easy to grow up under a pressure of this sort. But by God's grace and my parents blessing I managed.
Frankly only during my wedding I felt that one decision of mine has generally made everyone so happy. Those smiles and that fun is like a memory that can never be erased. Not even after 50 years of my marriage. I thought that finally I am not such a huge disappointment after all. And then this one decision bought to ground reality. That I was and will always be "The Blacksheep of my family".
The cost of my holiday was...
- Lifetime screwed equation with my first cousin
- Lifetime screwed equation with her hubby
- Lifetime screwed equation with my brother
- Lifetime screwed equation with my sister in law
- Lifetime screwed equation with one of my dearest Aunt (Her mother)
- Lifetime screwed equation with my Uncle (Her father)
- Lifetime screwed equation with the rest of my core family
Today thou my sister says "She is has moved on" the reality is she has not and probably never will. Thou my brother said he is not angry and everyone has a right to make their own decision the reality is he is still mad at me and will probably always be. Thou my sister in law din't say a word on this her discomfort over the phone was quite evident. Thou my Uncle and Aunt never confronted me on this but their nonresponse to my call says it all. Its all about signs and vibes. You very naturally know when you wrongly enter a place where you are not needed rather never were.
I kind of question myself almost 10 times a day whether will things ever be the same again? And I get a clear answer "NO" because every relationship needs two parties. I am and will always be ready.
To end this I have written a small sorry note...
O' dear sister of mine
Never meant to hurt you even a bit
What happened was uncalled for
Will you please let it go, let it go
Relationships are not built over a night
What we share is truly divine
Mistakes are meant to happen
Will you please let it go, let it go
Life is short and unpredictable
Too short to keep grudges
What if you don't see me tomorrow
Will you then let it go, let it go
One thing can't change what we had
Its too small to even call
Relationships are deep rooted
They can't turn Vanilla overnight
You mean a lot to me Ninu Tai. Please let it go.
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